A friend of mine, Najma, wrote me an interesting email concerning the troubles associated with her name. Her name translates as Morning Star... I responded with:

Thanks Venus … yes, the Morning Star is always associated with the goddess of love and beauty in every culture I have come across... Aphrodite (Greek), Venus (Latin), Freya (Nordic), Brig (Celtic), etc. I wish I had a name based in a cultural myth or icon like that …However, it is nice to find people with similar problems to mine …

You see, I hate my name. And not because people mispronounce it or misspell it. But because it is a stupid name filled with poor connotations. A name is all some people know you by, and if there first impression is based on a stupid name, then … I was named after my father, which when I was 4 was a compliment. That is, until I found out that my father hated his name too.

As a child I looked in vain for some role model named Howard. There was Howard Cosel, a nasally sports reporter that everyone made fun of. There were often Howards in TV shows and movies, but the character was always some sort of dweeb and Howard was a good name for a dweeb, clutz, or other idiot. I found no other people named Howard that had any redeeming qualities.

However, people are shocked when I tell them that I hate my name. They all say, "But it is such a nice name," but when they try to give me a good example of Howard-usage they all end up with "well, I guess Howard the Duck isn't a good response, eh?"

But getting back to your story …

Names that are unfamiliar to me doesen't give me the right to misspell them. In fact, I try very hard to effectively pronounce my Indian friend's names. Because a name is very important to us. We don't like to have our names misspelled or mispronounced, so why should we think that others don't care? I was dating a woman from Japan, and when I first introduced myself, she immediately apologized for the fact that she'll never be able to speak it properly (as my name is very difficult for most Oriental language speakers).

Most cultures realize that names are very important, but names given to us in childhood often need to be shed like the old skin of a snake. This is why most cultures have a name change associated with puberty initiation rites or some other rite of passage.

Often people have many names. Ones like Howie that only my grandmother can call me. But I have since renamed myself with a number of names that fit my multiple facades … some of them are not known by anyone else. The more of my names that someone knows, the better they know me.

For instance, my computer login is bram, which came from dropping the first and last letter of my last name. This also stands for black ram, an animal that I often relate to (a totem as it were). This particular name actually begins a journey of its own to each of my other names and the gods these names came from. I would like to tell you the entire story, but it is so personal to put into email. Perhaps the next time we get together in personal, I can tell you some of the story.