In fact, I feel like dancin’…

40 years ago today, I was born. Strange that I don’t remember it well. Anyway when we turned 30, everyone sends us those black cards, and talk about our party as a “wake”. It was cute then, but now it is getting serious.

Why doesn’t time seem real? I mean, a bit more than 10 years ago, I escaped from the land of my forefathers and relocated to the Pacific Northwest. It just doesn’t seem like 10 years…

I started my birthday celebration at 12:06 … I wasn’t planning on getting up, but my two-year old son woke up 3 minutes before my birthday to complain, and my wife wasn’t able to console him. So, I do what Daddies do best, and wrapped him up in my arms and hands and held him real tight… you know, the Daddy-egg-shell, and then sucked out all of the pain and discomfort, and he fell asleep.

And I got to thinking— you know, those thoughts that you only get right after midnight. Magical, disturbing, sleep-chasing thoughts…

Expectations are illusory. I mean, have you ever had an expectation fulfilled? While I can’t quite describe my expectations of what I would feel and be when I (in the long distance) be called a “Daddy,” but it sure as hell isn’t this. I mean, wasn’t I suppose to be wise as this point? Wasn’t I suppose to know what to do, and to feel comfident in the world?

I’m not that good of a Dad. Not like those Dads in Hollywood movies. You know, those silly mishaps that end up, in an hour and a half, changing diapers, cooking breakfast and mopping the floors … all while looking svelt in their black T-shirt. No, I’m turning out to be the curmudgeon who still won’t have his heart melt for his wife’s dog.

1:29 … Am I really 40? What have I done with all that time. It seemed like a lot at the beginning of the time, but now that its gone, it seems so much shorter. Oh hell, am I going to have to start my midlife crisis. Buying the new car and the hairplugs seem like a lot of work. Maybe I could have a more simpler crisis. I need to call up my sister-in-law in the morning to confirm dropping off the kids. It will be nice to have a “date.” Heh, I remember old people talking about going on a date with their wife, and I thought it was pretty corny. Now, it seems almost naustalgic.

2:10 … Did I doze off? If I did, why would I wake myself up again? That would just be wrong. What was keeping me up? Oh yeah, that familiar strain of re-evaluating the past.

In every mythological death scene, the deceased is always arraigned in judgment of their life. In Ancient Egypt, this was symbolically represented as placing the dead’s heart on a scale against a feather. Of course, it was a big and heavy feather, but still… It seems, the older we get, the more we analyze our past, as if trying to glean some sort of wisdom from the mystery of our own life.

2:43 … If I look at the clock more frequently, will I fall back asleep quicker? I’ve learned from countless sleepless nights just to give in and enjoy it. I enjoy my thoughts. They’re often entertaining. What’s the phrase, oh yeah, “Sit back and enjoy the ride.” That should be everyone’s motto for life.

You ever wonder why it is that during a car accident, it is the drunk driver that walks away from it? It is they who just relax into it. Granted, the relaxing is really just a numbing, but they aren’t clutching at the dashboard. I mean, isn’t our life just a series of interesting accidents that we vaguely feel we are in control of? That concept sounds far more depressing than my intent. But wouldn’t we be better off riding that Taoist flow?

But we can’t, right? What if we could somehow master some sort of passionate detachment to ourselves and our life? What if…

My good friend, Peter Marzolf, just wrote me:

The past is gone my friend except in the lessons learned, the pain diminishing or the laughter and love made better by the reflection but forty is nothing more than that milemarker on the side of the road telling us how far we have come along the way to our destination.

We all reminisce but, really, we are all looking forward to the inevitable. Forty simply says,“Damn, I‘ve come pretty far in this life…. how much longer have I got…”. I think that the best part of it all is to do exactly what we all do on your site – think things while sippin tea; that beautiful actualization of life and all about it. Howard the sun has just broke the horizon. Grab the kids and run outside to enjoy the sunrise and figure out how to play in the day. Happy Birthday!

Amen, brother, amen. Oh, and thanks for the well wishes.