Earth, as Arthur

You wake up. The room is spinning very gently round your head. Or at least it would be if you could see it which you can’t. It is pitch black.

> turn on light

Good start to the day. Pity it’s going to be the worst one of your life. The light is now on.

> stand up > get gown > put on gown > open pocket > take analgesic > take screwdriver > take toothbrush > leave > get mail > south

BULLDOZER??

> lie down > look > look at bulldozer > read mail

Your friend, Ford Prefect arrives. “Hello Arthur.” He takes a towel from his battered leather satchel, and offers it to you.

> say to Ford “What about my home” > look > south > enter

The Pub is pleasant and cheerful and full of pleasant and cheerful people who don’t know they’ve got about twelve minutes to live and are therefore having a spot of lunch.

Behind the bar is a shelf. It is full of the sort of items you find on shelves behind bars in pubs.

> buy sandwich

The barman gives you a cheese sandwich. The bread is the stuff that stereos compact, the cheese would be great for rubbing out, spelling, mistakes, and margarine and pickle have performed on unedifying chemical reaction to produce something that shouldn’t be, but is, turquoise. Since it is clearly unfit for human consumption, you are grateful to be charged only a pound for it.

> drink beer

It’s very good beer, brewed by a small local company. You particularly like it’s flavour, which is why you woke up feeling so wretched this morning. You were somebody’s birthday party here in the Pub last night.

You begin to relax and enjoy yourself, so in Ford mentions that he’s from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, not from Guildford as he usually claims, you take it in your stride, and say, “Oh yes, which part?”

> drink beer

It is really very pleasant stuff, which a very good dry, nutty flavour, so light froth on top, and a deep colour. It is at exactly room temperature. You reflect that the world cannot be all bad when there are such pleasures in it.

Ford mentions that the world is going to end in about 12 minutes.

> drink beer

There is a distant crash which Ford explains it’s nothing to worry about, probably just your house being knocked down.

> leave

You see the huge bulldozer, heaving itself among the cloud of brick dust, which is all that remains of your home. As you start up the lane, a small dog runs up to you, yapping.

> give sandwich to dog.

The dog is deeply moved. With powerful sweeps of its tail it indicates that regards this cheese sandwich as one of the great cheese sandwiches. Nine out of ten pet owners could happen by at this point expressing any preference they pleased, but this dog would spurn, both them and all their tins. This is a dog which has met its main sandwich. It eats with passion, and ignores a passing microscopic space fleet.

> north

You reach the site of what was your home. It is now a pile of rubble. Mr. Prosser looks sheepishly triumphant, a trick few people can do, as it requires a lot of technically complex deltoid muscle work.

> punch presser

You muck up all his fancy facial work. This is the last moment of satisfaction you will experience for some time.

> look

Throughout the noise, Ford is shouting at you. He removes a small black device from a satchel, but accidentally drops it at your feet.

> get device > examine device

This is an Electronic Thumb, which lets you try to flag down a ride on any passing spaceships. Press the green button to hitch a ride aboard one of the conveniently located Vogon ships.

For Your Amusement:

The Vogon Ship

> look > smell dark > examine shadow > eat peanuts

An announcement is coming over the ship’s intercom. “Eirborkchoirbd tulpi ss gr gqui ozitfluo so sz zthaorkthafluhuv oa bwrokonkontoytruwroz za bwro ox jkwafimthae hgryw cwrokonulp oolloshx jd ta rolloshi simbo t ow cw cp wi sthas gflui sa br g oi se herlgryd tkonvupeftw culp oquiquithazita bcavkwai so stoy ogryo tthaefthuvd tzitp wr gs g oerlzita bo ttoyr gi ls gz ztoy.”

> consult guide about babel fish

The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

A mind-bogglingly improbable creature. A babel fish, when placed in one’s ear, allows one to understand any language.

The next order of business is to get a Babel fish into your ear. (Yeah, you heard me.) Examine the dispensing machine.

> examine case > examine machine > flip switch

Wait one turn for Ford to fall asleep.

> take towel > take satchel > consult guide about babel fish

The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

A mind-bogglingly improbable creature. A babel fish, when placed in one’s ear, allows one to understand any language.

> press dispenser button

A single babel fish shoots out of the slot. It sails across the room and through a small hole in the wall, just under a metal hook.

> remove gown > hang gown on hook > press dispenser button

A single babel fish shoots out of the slot. It sails across the room and hits the dressing gown. The fish slides down the sleeve of the gown and falls to the floor, vanishing through the graiting of a hitherto unnoticed drain.

> put towel on grate > press dispenser button

A single babel fish shoots out of the slot. It sails across the room and hits the dressing gown. The fish slides down the sleeve of the gown and falls to the floor, landing on the towel. A split second later, a tiny cleaning robot whizzes across the floor, grabs the fish, and continues its breakneck pace toward a tiny robot panel at the base of the wall. The robot zips through the panel and is gone.

> put satchel in front of panel

Okay, the satchel is lying on its side in front of the tiny robot panel.

> press dispenser button

A single babel fish shoots out of the slot. It sails across the room and hits the dressing gown. The fish slides down the sleeve of the gown and falls to the floor, landing on the towel. A split second later, a tiny cleaning robot whizzes across the floor, grabs the fish, and continues its breakneck pace toward a tiny robot panel at the base of the wall. The robot plows into the satchel, sending the babel fish flying through the air in a graceful arc. A small upper-half-of-the-room cleaning robot flies into the room, catches the babel fish (which is all the flying junk it can find), and exits.

> put mail on satchel

Okay, the loose pile of junk mail is now sitting on the satchel.

> press dispenser button

A single babel fish shoots out of the slot. It sails across the room and hits the dressing gown. The fish slides down the sleeve of the gown and falls to the floor, landing on the towel. A split second later, a tiny cleaning robot whizzes across the floor, grabs the fish, and continues its breakneck pace toward a tiny robot panel at the base of the wall. The robot plows into the satchel, sending the babel fish flying through the air in a graceful arc surrounded by a cloud of junk mail. Another robot flies in and begins madly collecting the cluttered plume of mail. The babel fish continues its flight, landing with a loud “squish” in your ear.

An announcement is coming over the ship’s intercom. “This is the Captain. My instruments show that we’ve picked up a couple of hitchhikers. I hate freeloaders, and when my guards find you I’ll have you thrown into space. On second thought, maybe I’ll read you some of my poetry first. Repeating…”

Examine the case that holds the atomic vector plotter. Flip the switch, and make a note of the word and verse of the password to open the case. Wait four turns until some Vogon guards come to drag you to the poetry reading. Wait four more turns. Once the Captain begins (“Oh freddled gruntbuggly…”), enjoy the poetry. Wait. Pay close attention to get the password for the vector plotter case. Wait.

“Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy nacturations are to me!” “As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.” “Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.” “And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don’t!” #+end_quote

> consult guide about vogon poetry The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

Vogon poetry is so awful that even the Sarkopsi of Burphon XII, whose religion strictly forbids the taking of one’s life, consider suicide a preferable alternative to a Vogon poetry reading.

“Fripping lyshus wimbgunts, awhilst moongrovenly kormzibs.” “Gashee morphousite, thou expungiest quoopisk!” “Bleem miserable venchit! Bleem forever mestinglish asunder frapt.” “Gerond withoutitude form into formless bloit, why not then? Moose.”

When you are at last returned to the Vogon Hold, type the password on the keyboard, enclosed in quotes (e.g. type “wimbgunts”). Get the atomic vector plotter and your gown and towel. Wait a couple of turns. You will be rudely hustled into the airlock. Examine the Thumb and you will see blinkenlights. (Alles lookenspeepers!) Press the green button to hitch a ride aboard a spaceship whose occupants are not about to violently eject you into space.

For Your Amusement: Don’t eat the peanuts in the Vogon Hold, and wait four turns. Ask Ford, what about the Earth. Enjoy the Vogon poetry without the Babel fish: eat the peanuts, then wait 25 turns. Count the guards, both at the poetry reading and in the hold. Talk to the Vogon captain.